I could be one of the very few glued to their televisions on Monday evenings to get my Siesta Key fix. Here’s a quick breakdown of the show before we get into S1E9, because I have a shit ton to say.
Hey dad, since you made a bazillion dollars with 1-800-ASK-GARY, I was wondering if you could spare a $100K to film a pilot for my own reality show. We party hard and I hook up with a bunch a girls. Lets do this pops!
Sup, I’m Alex. My dad got me this tv show. I’m trying to get in law school while I — party my ass off in my parents $13M dollar house and shoot some sharks from my boat. This show basically chronicles me hooking up with chicks, a lot of them.
So, like I’m Juliette. And like the summer started off so awesome. Like I was totally dating Alex and everything was going perfectly. I was tearing it up at his pool party — until the new chick came along. Little did she know…no one messes with me.
I’m Kelsey. I took a break from my modeling career to take care of my mom in Siesta Key. I was dating Garett for a hot sec — but I couldn’t resist the powers of Alex so I kinda fucked that one up and now I’m blaming everyone.
Hi! I’m Amanda. My role here is pretty insignificant other than 3 things. First, my best friend Chloe liked Brandon – so naturally, I went after him. and 2) when Chloe confronted me about it, I punched her and broke her nose in two places and convinced her she was crazy. Annnnd 3) I banged Alex, it didn’t really mean anything.
I’m Madison – I have been there and done that with Alex, we were high school sweethearts. I came back to Siesta Key to totally get him back, I mean get on his show, I mean get an engineering job, I mean start dating Brandon. Oh I don’t know what I mean.
All you need to know is that I’m basically crazy AF but I haven’t hooked up with Alex. He’s sorta my best friend but totally made fun of me because I gained some weight so like whatever.
Sup I’m Brandon: model/actor/musician. In order to stay relevant on the show — I dig Madison.
What’s up, I’m Garrett. I was like in a serious relationship with Kelsey. She kinda broke up with me so she could like, hang out with Alex. So like, we aren’t friends. I get my daily fat dose from making eggs with coconut oil.
Resident Siesta Key fuck up: Paul. He likes to rap too (he’s pretty good too).
OK! So basically up until this point Alex has banged everyone (aside from Chloe). Paul just got busted for 20 grams weed. Madison and Brandon are conveniently dating. Juliette basically told Garrett that Kelsey hooked up with Alex and Garrett was pissed.
So, naturally, Kelsey is going to try and call Juliette out on it.
Juliette: Telling him what I heard is like ok. Like I don’t owe you anything.
Kelsey: Whatever, girl code.
Juliette: We’re not going to be friends, Kelsey
Alex’s dad: I’m not bailing you out anymore
Paul: No, I totally get it.
Alex’s dad: Over what? Some weed? What have you learned from this?
Paul: I just won’t keep it in my car. I’m going to focus on music.
Alex: Dad, it’s cool. He’s going to rap at some club.
Chloe: That’s cool you didn’t come to my party
Kelsey: I’m like so upset. I confronted Juliette about her telling Garrett about me and Alex. And now Garrett doesn’t want to be friends. It so isn’t ok.
Chloe: Um, can you blame Garrett? He told you he wouldn’t be friends with you if you hooked up with Alex.
SOMEONE TAKE MY SIDE!!!
Chloe: You knew that Juliette and Alex were together. She’s clearly going to be pissed. (YEAH Chloe dropping some truth bombs). You knew messing with Alex would stir up drama — you knew better.
Oh shit! Double date BBQ at Alex’s. This won’t be too awkward.
Meanwhile, Juliette has a little bday party for herself on the beach and invites Garrett!
Juliette: OMG here comes Mr. Perfect.
After Juliette and Garrett shared a romantic kayak ride he was all like…
Garrett: Thanks for having me here, I had a great time. We should totally like you know go out for both our birthdays, just the two of us.
Just look at that shit eating grin. Bih is up to something.
Back at the BBQ – a little truth or dare?
Alex: Madison who was your favorite boyfriend.
<< awkward silence >>
*Eggs not made with coconut oil*
Madison: So like this was awkward – At the BBQ last night Alex was like totally flirting with me.
OMG. Alex you are a man whore.
So then Alex and Paul stop by while Chloe is bartending. She’s not quite over Pauly Snapchatting her with fat comments. But, after a little groveling, she lets it slide.
Paul: Come to my show, I’m bout to blow this mofo up.
I feel like they are auditioning for a perfume commercial.
The birthday date between Juliette and Garrett. AKA: Let’s piss off Alex and Kelsey.
Tonight is the Pauly concert party thing and I’m so going to kiss Garrett and I hope everyone see’s it.
Green light – means the microphone is ON.
Red light – means the microphone is OFF!
Like, you think?
A yo yo, all the ladies up on the stage and twerk
Shit, one sec, gotta get the microphone to work
Caption: Kelsey realizing she broke up with Garrett only to get played by Alex but no f’n way she can get Garrett back because he’s kissing on Juliette (who probably wants Alex back too).